October 31st, 2013

How do you explain to a non-Portlander that they aren't cool?

This is a serious question.
Well, a seriously ironic question. Because only serious things are ironic and only ironic things are serious.

Do you ever talk to someone from one of the other, less cool areas of the United States? And you just don't know how to explain to them that there lives will just never ever have that certain Portland thing going on?

Now, its pretty easy if those people come from some exurb in Ohio where the idea of a great time is going to the nearest highway interchange to eat at a chain restaurant. Obviously those people are so far below us in cool that we can't even start because where do you start?

But its more of a challenge when you are dealing with people from areas that are marginally cool. Like the Northeast, California and especially Seattle. Seattle is actually the biggest problem because it is like watching someone run for a bulkhead that is about to close but they aren't going to make it but you gotta watch it close on them.

Like, people from those places know about some cool stuff and they are up on things. But they still just don't know what makes something cool or not. Did you know? People from San Fransisco still think its cool to show off how much money they have. What is it? 1983? How do you explain to someone that spending a three digit sum on an article of clothing is as tacky as jelly bracelets and teased hair? Obviously savvy people get their clothing out of free boxes. And how embarrassing it would be to spend similar amounts of money on food, when the more awesome alternative is to heat homemade hummus in Colonel Summers Park while watching people play bike polo.

Its like, how do we even start with everyone else in the world? I just don't even.