September 17th, 2010

Those French know how to get travelers to Portland!

Not safe for work, BTW.

EDIT: Here's the Babel Fish translation to English--I kid you not. (Apparently Babelfish, when translating "Portland" from French to English, offers up "Portland cement." Nice!)

Portland cement, capital of the strange one

Gus Van Sant and The GOSIP are a little the godfathers of this city located in the state of Oregon, in the North-West of the United States. Territory of the skaters of Paranoid Park, the strip clubs or the végétaliens, Portland is really “weird”. Some evidence.

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(no subject)

Dear Roscoes on 81st & Stark bartender,

A group of friends and I have spent a lot of time looking for a regular bar. We tried Paddys on 82nd, and although we found the atmosphere to be a tad bit expired, the bartender made strong drinks, friendly conversation, and probably made at least $30.00 just from serving us. You may have noticed how we always tip your coworker, the short skinny server who generally has her hair braided. Despite the fact that it takes an hour to get an order of chicken strips on the table and we can clearly see our food sitting there,she still makes an effort to say hello. It's not that we're bad at tipping, we can be very generous, especially when the alcohol is flowing. You also may have noticed that we rarely tip you. Here's a few tips on how to get respect and money out of your regular customers:

First and foremost, when we walk through the door, instead of rolling your eyes greet us with a smile or at least a "hello!" Even if we're the last group of people you want to see, and us walking through the door is going to ruin your entire night, faking it is better than a cold and rude, "What do you want?" You sound ignorant and rude, and that's just your first strike out of a decent tip.

Secondly, when the group of us walks up to the bar for our ONE nightly shot we take, helping everybody else and avoiding eye contact with us as much as you possibly can is kind of a bad decision if you're going for a tip. You have the chance to make at least a dollar each shot that we order.

Thirdly and MOST importantly, I know we all look young to you, and you're right, we probably are younger than you. You've seen all of our IDs. But don't treat us like we don't know what we're doing just because we are unaware that your bar doesn't carry mint.

I know working in the food industry is hard work and sometimes you can get distracted, but when we've been waiting an hour for our food that is sitting on the counter behind the bar getting cold and we ask if we can get it, don't slam the tray down in front of my face. I'd rather go behind the bar myself to pick up my food and not tip you then deal with your attitude. You're just making yourself look stupid.

We like well drinks. We'll probably order quite a few well drinks between the group of us. When you're mixing our drinks, believe me we are watching. We see how you're clearly putting just a tiny amount of liquor, and can obviously taste a diffence. When I order a vodka cran, I'd like more than just a splash of vodka with that cranberry juice, please. I know the drinks are cheap, but if I wanted to pay $3.00 for a glass of cranberry juice I'd go to Ihop.

I'm sorry it's come to this, I've given you plenty of chances to warm up. I've tried introducing myself, I've smiled at you when you come out to smoke and I'm outside, every time you act like a bitch. I understand working in the food industry sucks, but if you really want to make some money try treating your customers like actual people instead of dogs. Tonight we'll be there, and I look forward to seeing what new thing you do to piss us off tonight. I'm not usually one to call somebody out, but I really, really like Roscoes, and I feel guilty not tipping you. But you won't get more than $5.00 out of me if you don't change your attitude.

A friendly regular