Although I'm not 100% sure if I will l attend the damnportlanders
meetup tomorrow evening, I would like to request the following things from those who are attending the monthly social event. This will help alleviate post-meetup grievances and other such stercoraceous concerns.
1. No taking photographs of me without asking me first. I want to be prepared to exhale completely before pictures are taken so my lardy stomach, puffy cheeks, and triple grande latte-sized chin won't appear on photographs. Since nobody wants to see pictures of fat and flabby people on damnportlanders
, ask first before taking my pictures. In fact, if I wind up showing up at the meetup, I will bring along a release form which you will need to sign before you are allowed to post my pictures from the meetup on damnportlanders
2. Since nobody wants to see pictures of overweight damnportlanders
gorging their chubby faces with greasy food while consuming untold pitchers of high-calorie beer, those folks who do not fall into the category of having normal body weight should stay home. We do not want anyone on damnportlanders
to be offended at pictures of fatty flab rolls on their arms, close-ups of ghastly carcasses of chicken wing baskets, etc. The same goes for those emo damnportlanders
kids who are thinner than toothpicks. Take you canvas messenger bags, tight jeans, and your mopey ass and go drown your sorrows with cans of PBR at The Towne Lounge, The Doug Fir Lounge, or some other hipster joint. In fact, people who fall outside of normal body proportions should stay away from the meetup.
3. No talking to me at the meetup. I don't care if you're on my F-list, laughed over silly comments at the last meetup, or never met online or in real life, but talking to me would imply that you're trying to converse with a so-called "DP celebrity" (whatever that means) and that leads to elitism, designation of "cool kids," and peoples' feelings getting hurt. In fact, no talking to anybody else at the meetup who has posted more than 1.8 times in the past year, or made 3.2 replies to posts during the past 12 months. In fact, let's impose a 100-word overall limit on everyone's conversations throughout the evening.
4. No mentions of vegans, missing google-fu, free doctors, out-of-state transplants, or anything else which may be construed as cues to imbibe more libations. Doing so would imply knowledge of "DP kewlness" and we want the community to be egalitarian.
Thank you and have a plebian day.
[Edit: The Current Mood
tag has been changed from "satirical" to "parodying"....after reading about differences between the two, the latter term is more appropriate for the message being conveyed. Thanks to prettymuchjulia
for the education.]